In a rather tame North Anerican commercial for Pantene hair shampoo, Eva Mendes asks the question: “You know how something is bad but you do it anyways?” As reported by The Sun, however, a Secret Obsession commercial shot with Eva Mendes was accepted in the European market, but subsequently banned in the United States and on YouTube for being too sexy. National norms and values, just like personal norms and values, do vary. After all, we are microcosms of our nations.
Secret Thoughts and Behaviors:
As Fama and Wilhem point out, thoughts can be defined as ego-syntonic or ego-dystonic. Ego-syntonic thoughts are about normal everyday things which can be problems (e.g., recurrent thoughts or worries about finances, occupation, relationships, and the like) or just repetitive which lead to different types of actions. They are not experienced as intrusive, unwanted or at odds with the individuals self values, image, beliefs or behaviors although they may be experienced as distressing if they become habitual or result in behavior that becomes habitual.
Ego-dystonic thoughts, on the other hand, are obsessions. They are intrusive and repetitive- although the individual knows they are unrealistic and unnecessary- and lead to irrational behaviors which the individual can't resist performing. Individuals with obsessions want to stop having them as they are exceedingly distressing.
Habitual thoughts or behaviors can be related to sex, food, shopping. Breton tops, etc. But are they bad? One answer is that it depends on whether the majority considers it good or bad and whether it causes distress to the person or others. For example, most people gossip about others at some point. It may come from thoughts they're continuously having about the person that they feel they have to share with someone. They may gain enjoyment out of it and not be distressed; but if others begin to change the way they act around the person or if it were to get back to the person being gossiped about, they would be distressed.
There is a list of secret addictions or habits on the Secret Society of Lists Addicts website that people are willing to admit to. Some include:
- listening to very naughty rap songs
- smelling things
- picking
- thoughts about body size/shape/weight
- Gossip
Which, if any of the above thoughts or behaviors do you consider good or bad, or somewhere in between? Which do you think our society would consider good or bad, or somewhere in the middle?
Reasons for the Behavior:
The bottom line is we sometimes do things that others deem bad and unacceptable, because we personally don’t rate it as bad or wrong, and/or because it meets a need (e.g. pleasure, winning, attention). And in most cases we feel guilty about it- or we wouldn’t question whether it is right or wrong- simply because it is contrary to some accepted norm. Some examples are the attention-seeking behaviors of bullies in a group, and class clowns in a classroom.
Psychiatrist W.J. Cassidy defines this guilt as a “conflict between our behavior and our values”. If we didn’t have a conscience or sense of guilt, of course, we’d be labeled a sociopath.
Some people can also be labeled knaves (e.g. unprincipled, untrustworthy, and dishonest). They recognize that certain things, while allowed, are nonetheless wrong, but they simply do not care. Their actions are amoral. Some might consider Casey Anthony, convicted on four separate counts of lying to investigators, a knave. TV Tropes posed a labyrinth puzzle to demonstate a device for dealing with knaves:
The scenario involved three labyrinth guards: One always lied, one always told the truth, and one stabbed people who asked tricky questions. At a pair of doors, you were informed that one door truly led to an escapable death trap. The question was: What would you do?
The most popular solution is to ask the right question. To one of the guards you ask, "If I asked you if the door you're guarding leads to where I want to go, would you say 'yes'?" Then, if he says yes, you go through his door, while you go through the other door if he says no.” Why? Think about it and comment. (Suggested answer below)
One way to outsmart a perpetual lier is to follow the lie until the perpatrator is cornered; you can outsmart such knaves by asking the right questions. After all, when others do something bad it can impact you; and you need to protect yourself. That’s what the justice system is for.
Of course, the right use of words can also be useful, for instance, in outsmarting others hurting or bullying you; and are made more potent mixed in with a good dose of humor. A student being bullied can simply say ‘stop it’ and walk away; and it might stop the bully. Don’t Feed the Bully provides the following lines to use when non-violent bullies are trying to put you down:
- OK, I’m hurt
- Thank you
- You’re the King (with a smile)
Sometimes, however, people do things in a group that, on an individual basis they would most likely consider wrong. When asked, for example, whether it is wrong to spawn tube (multi kill) in computer games, many gamers will answer yes, but proceed to do it anyway. In a sense, they feel that the end- winning- justifies the means. Their attitude is that good gamers will learn tactics for counteracting and surviving it; and they do. This is a behavior repugnant to parts of society but not to most gamers. In this narrow context, their norm varies from society’s norm.
Subjective Vs Objective:
Few things in life are truly objective- black and white- as compared to subjective, but some are more one than the other. If something is illegal, for instance, and you know it, then a clear cut decision is easier to make. Of course, again, often we know things are bad- and illegal- but we do them anyway, such as speeding and running lights: in fact, many of us do it on a regular basis. On the other hand, an opinion, or interpretation is truly subjective. Thus, morality decisions of right and wrong, good and bad are subjective.
Evaluating Our Norms and Values:
Dr. Cassidy suggested in his unpublished book, Trapped in the Web of Life, that it is sometimes our values that are creating our problems. He also distinguished the capacity to feel guilt from the actual experience. “If we behave the way we believe and believe the way we behave then guilt will be an uncommon experience for us.” If you know something is bad based on your personal values, you won't do it.
Writing Exercise:
A writing club I frequent decided to assign the writing of poems based on the question: Have you ever done something that was forbidden: something you know was bad; but something that was magical? You might like to have some fun and do the same. Just follow this template:
- Let me just say
- I did...(e.g. drive cross-country without a license)
- But I'm not sorry, it was magical
So, what is normal? How do you know it? It's difficult. After all, even marketers promoting Eva Mendes' commercial didn't get it right.
Answer to Puzzle:
The answer to the question, according to TV Tropes, doesn't depend on which guard it is. Take the example of the guard saying ‘yes’ to the question. There are two options:
- Guard telling the truth- he would say that the door leads to where you're going, and thus, the door will lead to where you're going
- Guard lying- If he's lying, then he'll have to lie about whether he'd say, Yes to the question (he’d say no) and, thus, be forced to give the correct answer to where the door goes
Sources:
- Difference Between Objective and Subjective. Difference Between
- Dealing with Bullies. Don’t Feed the Bully
- Eva Mendes Sizzles Calvin Klein. The Sun. Sunday, Aug. 14, 2011
- J. M. Fama and S. Wilhelm. 2010. Obsessions. Corsini Encyclopedia of Psychology. 1–2
- Knights and Knaves. TV Tropes
- My Secret Obsessions. Secret Society of Lists Addicts. Jan. 2009
- W J Cassidy. Trapped in the Web of Life. Unpublished Booklet. 2008
James Gibson - James Gibson is a retired teacher and small business owner. He is a published writer and has a wide spectrum of interests.
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