William and Kate Middleton were married April 29, 2011 and began their royal duties with a tour of Canada. Breaking with tradition, they had lived together before the religious ceremony in Westminster Abbey. The traditional iconic marriage of the grandparents, Elizabeth and Philip- 5 years her senior- took place on November 20, 1947. They’ve stayed together past their diamond anniversary; but will the less traditional marriage of William and Kate, the future king and queen, survive that long? The odds are against it.
For many couples, either by parental arrangement or mutual attraction, marriage is still one of the key transitions in the pathway from adolescence to adulthood the world over. The union can be civil or religious, same or opposite sex, same race or inter-racial, and the ceremony short or long lasting.
The Trends
When my parents married in the 1940s, the world was at war or just finding peace. In North America, among this generation- a group that had the best shot in history to that date at making it into their 80s- was a marriage boom which ultimately led to the now famous baby boom: my mother was age 25 and my father age 22 at the time, a reversal of the trend for the male to be older. They died still married after 60+ years: the odds of this happening in the 1940s was 1 in 12, according to an unsourced quote I found from my teaching days by the actuary, Melvin Norton; the same note also stated that in the early 2000s, a typical couple, saying their vows on their 30th birthdays, had only a 1-in-100 chance of being still alive and still together six decades later.
M. Eichler, writing on the topic of marriage and divorce in Canada, pointed out that “marriage remains one of the most important social institutions in Canada, but overall the marriage rate in Canada is declining and the traditional portrait of a family is being transformed.” Statistics Canada added to the discussion of families in its Census Snapshot of Canada. Following are the significant changes as compiled from both sources:
- movement toward civil ceremonies (e.g. 50% in British Columbia)
- common law marriage increasingly common (less stable than traditional marriages)
- declining marriage rate- 4.7 per 1000 (10.9 in 1940s)
- average age at first marriage increasing (e.g. males 30; females 28)
- division of labor gap between men and women slowly declining (housework and child care can now be claimed as matrimonial assets)
- the sole reason for divorce now is marriage breakdown (either living apart for at least one year or committing adultery or treating the other spouse with physical or mental cruelty)
- the majority (60%) of couples who divorce will have been married for less than 15 years
- there are slightly more couples without children than with children
Although more difficult to pin down, M.Eicher suggested that expectations about the quality of marriage have risen and cited reasons for the world-wide rise in divorce rates:
- Longer life expectancies
- greater labor force participation by women
- improved social security
- lessening of religious and social sanctions against divorce
- movement towards a more individualistically oriented ethic that stresses self-actualization over maintenance of the family unit
Tips for Maintaining a Satisfying and Lasting Marriage
Many factors, with infidelity and financial difficulties being the big two, are detrimental to maintaining a satisfying marriage.
But what techniques can help to avoid and overcome them while building both a satisfying and lasting union after the initial falling-in-love stage of the relationship cycle? There is the story of Brother Ralph’s technique, although I wouldn’t recommend it, save for severe circumstances. With couples celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
Ralph replied to the audience: “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The minister inquired: “Trips to where…?”
“Well…for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The minister then said: “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Ralph. Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”
Brother Ralph replied proudly: “I’m going to go get her.”
The US Department of Health and Human Services offers nine more workable tips for a healthy marriage:
- Communication- be an active listener
- Make time for communication- freedom from distractions (e.g. turn off that television)
- Learn how to fight- fight fairly by avoiding criticism and ridicule
- Make a commitment- your marriage should be a priority
- Offer a thank-you, and do it often (e.g. I always thank my wife for a good meal)
- Learn to compromise
- Practice forgiveness- don’t bring up old hurts
- Keep romance alive- make your partner feel special by doing something romantic (e.g. I often do the cooking- my specialties are casseroles)
- Take time for yourself (e.g. In my case, writing, sailing)
Humor in Marriage
Based on my 42 years of marriage to the same woman, I’ve added one more technique: use humor. I can’t count the number of times that either my wife or I have had an argument defused by humor. I still recall the time when I accidentally broke a precious porcelain china plate given to us by my wife’s parents. We sparred off, saying things we shouldn’t before separating and going to our corners- a bedroom and a back porch- to cool off.
Fortunately, my wife took the initiative and approached me in the bedroom to ask when I was leaving? When I replied that I wasn’t leaving, she said: “Well, that was the cat that broke the camel’s back,” which caused me to laugh and say: “That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
“What did I say?” she asked.
“You said the cat. I swear, you are a female Norm Crosby,” I quipped, the humor already breaking the ice.
“Whatever,” she replied, but in a more relaxed tone of voice.
“Look, I’m sorry I broke the plate.”
“I guess I should have used the stainless steel bowl to feed the dog.”
“As long as you’ve got a klutz like me in the house you should.”
“You hungry…?”
Sources:
- M. Eichler. Marriage and Divorce. The Canadian Encyclopedia (Search: Marriage and Divorce)
- Census Snapshot of Canada- Families. Statistics Canada. 2007
- Tips for a Healthy Marriage. US DHHS. 2004
James Gibson - James Gibson is a retired teacher and small business owner. He is a published writer and has a wide spectrum of interests.
